Mr. B Comes Home

by Jay Onebrowntoe

What I'm about to tell you started before I came to live here. But I have interviewed one of the principals involved and done extensive research, so I know that my facts are right. Needless to say, it concerns my two humans. It all started when the short legged guys were a novelty and there weren't very many of them around. By way of the grapevine, it came to my humans attention that a nice looking munchie guy needed a home (one human told another and another and another and another until finally my humans heard about him). After some discussion, they decided to give him a home. They made the trip to Austin one Saturday in the spring and picked him up. Now, Mr. B is a good looking guy -- nice short legs and a great little cobby body (that cobby part reminds me of me). He was living with a family where the adults loved him and wanted to keep him, but for some reason he had developed a "bad attitude" (the humans said he was mean, but cats just aren't that way). Of course, being human, they weren't paying attention to their own kittens who were pulling Mr. B's tail, chasing him around, and just plain scaring him to no end. According to Mr. B, this happened all the time! All these humans seemed to know was that their precious little darlings were suddenly being ferociously attacked by Mr. B and for no apparent reason. They just wanted the vicious beast out of there (it's hard to believe they were talking about Mr. B). Talk about blind humans!! These people needed a purrperson about as much as I need more nerds to watch! As it happens, my humans were looking to add some red to their program (that's all we seem to have these days!) so they were really excited about bringing him home with them. They spent what seemed like several hours trying to catch Mr. B (those OTHER humans finally caught on to just what their precious darlings were doing to Mr. B) before piling into the car and heading home.

On the way back, my humans got hungry and stopped to get some sandwiches. The tom human went into the store while my human stayed in the car so they could leave the air conditioning on. Mr. B had calmed quite a bit (they had been on the road for about an hour before they stopped). The tom human went into the store and that's when things started to happen. My human had been talking to this little purrperson all the time and decided to open the cage and pet him. You can probably guess what happened next. RIGHT! He bit her. He bit her so bad that she really needed to go to the emergency room. There was blood everywhere. She used a whole roll of paper towels to try and stop the bleedingt before the tom human even came out of the little store. And she still didn't manage to stop the bleeding. But being a stubborn mule (another word for human sometimes), they didn't go to the emergency room. Instead the tom human went to a large store and got lots of bandages for her hand. The bad thing was that the tom human kept telling her that she should have known better than to stick her hand into the cage. The cat was still a stranger to them. HE didn't know them. And on and on and on he went in that vein -- FOREVER. When they got home, they put Mr. B in a large cage that Nutter Butter had given them. He was comfortable and fed and spoken to. He had his head rubbed (when they were brave enough to try). He tried to make babies but only succeeded once. This was for our human cat sitter. At one point, Mr. B even bit the tom human! Mr. B also bit the cat sitter and her mother when they got too close. They were just trying to tame him some. But he didn't listen to my humans.

I spoke with Mr. B about this on several occasions when I was on the porch (that's where his cage is located). HE told me that he didn't like ANY humans, not just ours. He went on about how the human kittens should be put on a leash until they are responsible and they should be taught how to handle purrpersons. I told him that my/humans did know how to treat purrpersons. That I was a perfect example of how well they treated us purrpersons. I kept telling him to give them a try. He responded by biting the tom human again. I know he doesn't do it out of spite, just out of fear, but you can't tell my humans that.

The time came when the munchies were put up for championship. My humans agonized over what to do with Mr. B. His numbers were very low. He couldn't be shown nor could his children. They considered whether or not to put him down (hate that phrase) or just neuter him and let him in with the other alters. They knew that they couldn't give him away, not with him being a biter and the thought of having him put down almost broke my human's heart. She couldn't see putting down a purrperson for any reason, even one such as Mr. B, just because he was scared most of the time. So the decision was made to neuter him and let him out into the big caged back porch. After this was done, the fun really started. I have to admit that I get my daily laugh out of Mr. B and my human. They opened the cage and let Mr. B go out of it as he wants. He has the run of the back porch. This is enclosed and he has all the creature comforts. He can also see into my office and the place where several other nerds are staying. My human goes in and out of the porch area to do the laundry (humans need to have fur so they don't have to waste so much time cleaning clothes). She sees to his needs daily, but she spends most days in my office working on my projects. I'm out there too and see just what's going on. A cat's eye view so to speak. She tries her best to pet him and love on him and she spends hours talking to him. He rubs on her legs and wants her to pick him up. He ducks his head down or lifts his chin up so she can rub it. He purrs and talks to her a little. Still she is scared of him. There has been several times that the tom human has had to come rescue her from him. He gets to the door and won't let her out. He just wants in. I've never known her to be afraid of any purrperson but she is of Mr. B. I really wish I could find the key to this. He wants to be petted and she wants to pet him, cuddle him, but the fear is keeping them apart. It is so sad, but I will find a way!